12/02/15

Today has been a tough day.  I slept late and have felt out of sorts all day.  I'm trying to watch tv in the dark to get myself sleepy.  I need to get up at a decent time tomorrow so I can go for a walk.  I didn't go today but did yesterday.  I am keeping my food light today to compensate.  Tomorrow night is our bookclub holiday party so I know I will have a heavier meal.  Makes getting in my steps that much more important.

On the positive note - I got confirmation that my resume was submitted to the hiring manager so fingers crossed I get an interview and eventually an offer.  I need to get back to work.  Desperately.  My mental health is really starting to suffer.

I'm keeping this effort to myself for the most part.  I need to walk the walk - I've done too much talking and very little action.  Anything I say has zip for credibility.  I heard a new song the other night on the Voice that the jist of the song is I am jealous you are happy without me.  I spent a lot of years loving someone who only wanted me at their convenience.  I deserve something more.  I am ashamed to admit this ended 6 years ago next month. What happened to the best revenge is happiness???? I am 41 not 22.  I wasted so much time. . .

I want to live and love life.  I need a companion. I need to know I won't die alone.

Three months of sitting home during this lay off has been torture. Way too much time to dwell on the reality of where my life has gone.  Jobless, not married, no children ~ not exactly the American dream.  I can't fix the past but I want to do better in the future.

11/30/15

I really want to try to write most days - more for myself as I doubt anyone will ever read this.  I said I would weigh myself today so I have the number that for ever more will be my before number.

319.2

I thought it was less.  It makes me feel sad, ashamed, angry, out of control and a thousand other awful emotions.  No wonder my clothes don't fit.  No wonder I am single and haven't had sex in almost 6 years.  No wonder my self confidence no longer exists.

I also went for a 30 minute walk today. It was hard.  I sprained my knee last February and its still not 100%.  I honestly think one leg is longer than the other now.  My lower back hurt.  All my leg joints hurt but I pushed through and slowly put one foot in front of the other and walked around the track.  I felt silly that elderly people were lapping me but I guess my goal should be to be like them and be active in my 60s and 70s not trapped in a bed in a nursing home.

The good news is it will only get easier. The more I move the easier it will become.

I ate well today.  Greek yogurt, grilled chicken salad, grapes and anew recipe for Mac and Cheese using spaghetti squash instead of pasta.  I might have some bell peppers and dip for an evening snack.

So tomorrow is another day to focus on losing "just" 5 lbs.  Good luck.

Done wallowing

3 months ago tomorrow, I lost my job.  I am one on tens of thousands of people in the oil and gas industry that was laid off due to the downturn in the industry.  It was the first time in nearly 20 years that I was not only good at my job but recognized for being so.  Three and a half years ago I lost my home due to a fire - that was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  I wasn't harmed and by shear luck the unreplaceables were saved for the most part (RIP Teddy).  I was very foolish with my finances and had $25k in credit card debt. The insurance claim allowed me to get out of that.  I would never been able to accomplish that without the fire.  I would never want anyone to go through this traumatic experience but it was a lifeline to me.  It also gave me the confidence to leave a dead end job that had sucked the life out of me.  I got to travel, add new skills, work as part of a team and had the support of a great manager.  I also finally made a comfortable salary and banked $8k.  Sadly 2 short years later my new company closed.  I didn't really think I would still be unemployed 3 months later.  I am actively pursuing new roles but despite several interviews no success yet.  

So I have basically laid on the couch for 3 months.  Oh, did I mention I am 41 years old and weigh over 300 pounds?  I try to forget myself.  I could have been exercising the last few months but no I chose to wallow in self pity since that solves so many problems lol.  It's Thanksgiving weekend so I went to happy hour with my closest friends and we discussed going on a cruise to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday in 2017. This is 1 year and 9 months from now.  I immediately panicked thinking about fitting in a cruise ship bathroom.  I have been on 3 vacations in the last 3 years that I have been restricted by my weight and have not wanted my picture taken out of embarrassment. I don't want to go on another vacation this fat.  

Today while having breakfast with a friend, she mentioned her doctor wanted her to focus on losing just 5 pounds by the end of January ie through the holidays.  This was like a lightning bolt hit me.  Focus on just 5 lbs in a month (we all know most people wouldn't begin until January) not the 150+ lbs I need to lose.  If I lost "just" 5 lbs a month for the next 20 months prior to the trip I would drop 100 lbs.  If I exceed the goal in any given month so be it ~ all the better.  

I am sick of wallowing.  I not only pay for a gym membership I don't use, I also have access to the walking track at the community center.  It's kind of shameful.  I have no excuses not to be active and as I am unemployed I am primarily eating at home and have full control of what I do and what I eat.  

So tomorrow I go for a walk and clean up my eating.  I won't be perfect but I will do my best and focus on "just" 5 lbs in December.  I also need to start sleeping in a more normal pattern and will get my baseline weight in the morning.  I plan to record my progress here so I hope you join me on my journey.